Short Story #2: The Wrath of Khan

February 24, 2013

When asked questions or introducing themselves, people usually tell the truth, but they seldom make it exciting. I like getting a reaction from people. Why introduce yourself as “Evany Pace from Salt Lake City,” when you could introduce yourself as “Evany Pace, Air Guitarist Extraordinaire”? Perhaps stemming from a deep-seated fear that I’m boring, I always try to make my conversation interesting. There are two main forms of my reaction getting: embellishing myself or ribbing others.

Embellishing myself is easy. I don’t brag about my self, I just make my life more fun. For instance, in a recent conversation with some guy on an online dating site (it’s come to this) I continued my role of crazy cat lady in training by typing the following.

I’ve often wished, if I weren’t human, that I could be a lazy house cat. Lying on the windowsill all day and probably plotting murder would be grand. And, I could be a huge Internet sensation. But, I’d probably let it all go to my head and end a drunken, friendless wreck in some back alley, living off the glory days of numerous animated gifs. I guess cats have it hard too. The End.

When I start talking with new people about music, and especially about good music, I always bring up that my dream in life is to be Geddy Lee (from the Canadian band Rush), but will probably never accomplish this feat due to that fact that I am not Canadian. Never mind the fact that I am not male nor do I have +10 bass skills, it is solely because I am from the United States. For me, taking the inventive route is always a joy.

In ribbing others, I guess you could call me a wonted tease. However, I only tease people as a sign of deep appreciation and love. Meaning, I only tease my friends. That teacher in Middle School whom everyone hated—never teased her. Although, once she gave my classmate and me the answer key to an assignment instead of a blank form. This should have made us soul sisters for life. Let the teasing commence. In that instance, unfortunately, I think I was too nervous on account of working on this assignment with my big crush. This second form in my reaction getting quiver involves noticing what people really dislike and pestering them about it. I love singing “Emily, my friend!” to one person, and “Younger than springtime are you” to another.

Not everyone may be familiar with that most delightful of songs “Emily.” Let me take you back to High School Seminary (religious instruction for us Mormons). Each year we would study a different book of scripture. The LDS Church put together instructional and inspirational videos (including music) for each book. These videos were shown in seminaries across the country and the music from these videos became immensely popular among the mission-preparing crowd. The Church is all about sharing its resources and made the songs associated with the videos available for instant download. And they were free! The Church is so kind. I snapped these treasures right up. Without a doubt, the Book of Mormon Seminary Video Soundtrack is the best of the lot. I find most of the songs very appealing and deeply spiritual. But they had to throw in that one song. That cheesy song sung by a whiny female. It’s supposed to be a heart-warming warning about staying on the strait and narrow path, but it is just so awful. Who really talks to their friends by saying, “[Insert name here], my friend”? I always skip that song. You can see why it is such a delight to sing it to my friend whose name just happens to be—you guessed it—Emily! She loathes that song with the passion of 10 Roberto Benignis. The only downside is that she now sings it to me. “Evany” works just as well as “Emily.”

My favorite person to get a reaction from is my mom. I love to play tunes for her on my iPod and every once in a while I will throw in something she totally can’t stand. Her least favorite song in the world is “Last Kiss” no matter which version. I find it very convenient that it is one of the only songs I can play on the guitar.

If I tease you or attempt to be witty in front of you, it means I like you and I feel safe in your company. As someone who is rather tight lipped and afraid to open up to people, this is one way (2 forms) that I show the shape of my heart (and apparently my love for The Backstreet Boys).